


kaizo, you're still a child

by washingmachineheart



Category: BoBoiBoy (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, First Meetings, Flashbacks, Kissing, M/M, Mild Language, No Plot/Plotless, Non-Chronological, Swearing, Timeskips, gay people real, i didnt think i would be so into this ship but um here we are, ish, please stream zeroes by declan mckenna, ramenzo real, unnecessary song references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:35:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25199371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/washingmachineheart/pseuds/washingmachineheart
Summary: The past can be such a bittersweet thing to remember.
Relationships: Kapten Kaizo | Captain Kaizo/Manramen, Ramenzo
Comments: 9
Kudos: 31





	1. why do you bury yourself in sheets?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or: early days, younger souls and (not so much entirely of) a simpler time.

No one sits with Kaizo at lunch. 

This revelation comes to Ramen with absolutely no shock at all. For one, only an hour ago Kaizo had succeeded in gifting a black eye to another trainee shortly after a self-defence class ended - for reasons he refused to disclose.

And the other was that no one knew how to talk to this extreme hardened case of a boy, who was transferred to the military school in the middle of the year, shortly after everyone had heard of how Gogo Bugi’s once thriving regime had fallen. Ramen could acknowledge that socialising with a potential refugee could prove difficult. 

Daily training sessions that evolved into an ordinary school schedule - it was TEMPUR-A Academy, after all - Ramen had always noticed him returning to a smaller boy with strikingly similar features to his, which he could only assume was his younger brother. 

It was amusing, if he was being honest. He didn’t know anything about the boy, but enough to know this hothead was capable of being nice given the chance to care enough. 

So he saunters up to the table anyway, deducing the following possibilities: he’d 1) end up with a black eye 2) piss the hell off the boy for being nice. 

And truthfully, Ramen liked taking his chances. He can’t keep carrying his tray of carrot soup and a good bowl of rice around everywhere, anyway. 

He’s barely eaten. The prepared bento box with rice, fish and bits of green left alone, looking almost sad at the prospect of being abandoned, resting next to a pair of wooden chopsticks. He has a hand on his chin, a dimmed fire still lingering in his crimson eyes. 

“Hello!” Ramen starts, cheerful and loud enough for those eyes to flicker his way. 

Kaizo doesn’t respond, but picks up his chopsticks tentatively as if anticipating an attack.

“You have room for one more?” He inquires, though they both know it's a rhetorical question. 

Again the purple-haired boy refuses to respond, but tilts his head slightly, as if to wordlessly say _do what you want._

“So,” Ramen says, his eyes sparkling. He can’t help but _want_ to antagonise this kid, because it just seemed so easy. “How’s the day going?”

“Fine.” The chopsticks finally pick up a piece of fish, and it hovers in the air for a moment. He notices the fiery eyes gloss over the carrot soup in front of him for a fraction of a second, before quickly averting them away. 

“No exciting news lately?” 

“No.” The word comes out flat, like a sad note strummed on an untuned guitar. 

Ramen takes a tentative sip of his soup, the aroma of it wafting into the space between them. 

Perhaps it was a stereotypical hothead thing. No matter how hard he tried, he was terrible at masking feelings, for his gaze returned to the soup and he caught him looking directly at him for another fraction of a moment. 

He sighs. He can’t witness this any longer. He scoops up a serving of rice, and dips it into the soup. 

“Open up,” Ramen demands, to which Kaizo’s face responds with one of horror. 

“What the fuck?”

“I _said,_ open the hell up. I can’t stand you eyeing my food like that. If you wanted some, you could have just asked. But I can see you’re incapable of that, so here we are.” 

Kaizo’s eyebrows furrow, his lips going into a downward arch and displaying his best frown. Crimson eyes screaming _I will kill you if I could. If I could I’d beat you to a pulp. If it hadn’t been for the fact that I had_ just _done it to someone, I would kill you._

But Ramen can tell that despite the fact that he is fighting every urge in his body not to - his face gets closer to the spoon.

“For _fuck’s_ sake.” The spoon is ripped off Ramen’s hands, and he witnesses the boy somehow wolf down a single serving of rice and soup. The rigidity of his face has softened upon the impact of the food, almost settling him into a natural state of calm. 

Ramen can’t help but smirk at the sight. Even if he had the strength of one, Kaizo was definitely not a man - it was beginning to be a large margin of error for that notion to come true.

“You know, you can ask for things. This place isn’t entirely a prison.” It was true - the trainees were allowed certain privileges if they performed well, and custom lunches just so happened to be one of them.

Kaizo only scoffs offhandedly, the hardhead coming back. “I don’t need things.” 

For whatever reason, this makes him chortle. What an odd boy. 

He notices there’s an empty space in the four-segmented bento Kaizo has, and instinctively he scoops some soup and replaces the space with it. Maybe it’s out of the kindness of Ramen’s heart, or perhaps it is pity. 

  
He opts not to pay attention to that. 

Kaizo only blinks, but doesn’t object. 

He chuckles again, to which the purple haired boy scoffs. “Stop laughing at me.” 

“Oh, that wasn’t laughing,” Ramen says, and he wants to laugh again when he looks at him with his hands folded and an eyebrow raised. “That’s just how we express high spirits on my planet.” 

Kaizo lets out an animated _pft,_ his fringe brushing off along with the grumpy outtake of breath - preceding any amount of intimidation he once had. “Whatever.” 


	2. you know it, you wanted to find a place on your own like you always do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or: the one where Kaizo thinks he belongs somewhere else.

Ramen knows he’s making an attempt to run. 

He finds him sitting on the roof of the academy, what the rules deemed prohibited. Kaizo had ambition, but clearly not enough respect for the rules in a broader sense. In those times Ramen often understood that meant something was wrong. 

It’s around seven in the evening, and all the day’s activities have ceased. Usually Kaizo could be found training, with an entire disregard for time and the younger brother that wasn’t getting any younger. 

He knows he doesn’t have to tell him he’s there. He simply places himself next to Kaizo, and they witness the day slowly ease itself into night - certain areas of the galaxy had that privilege of the sun’s presence. 

“I’m going to leave here someday,” Kaizo starts, which already marks the conversation as unusual. He never began a conversation willingly for as long as Ramen knew him. 

“Oh yeah?” 

“Yup. I wanna get out of here. I’ll gather my own team, and we’ll actually make a difference.” 

“I hear ya.” 

“I’m serious.” 

“I know.” 

“No, you don’t,” Kaizo declares, and he stands up. Ramen can only prepare for whatever would happen next through improvisation. 

“I’m sick of it here. I’m sick of Maskmana treating me like a kid. I can be captain if I wanted to. I should be out there, but I’m just rotting.” He jerks a finger at the vastness of the space beyond, at the obliviousness of other ships passing by the establishments to never be seen again. 

Every word out of Kaizo is released in seething bitterness, and there are sparks in his eyes that are beginning to ignite once more. 

Ramen can only smile, for there is nothing he can really say to change his mind. 

“You aren’t going to argue with me?” The sparks aren’t violent, he realises. 

They’re just desperate. 

“No.” They’re both standing now, Kaizo making defiant steps towards him despite the lack of space. 

“Then…. You’re just like him. You wouldn’t understand. You don’t know what it’s like.” 

“What is it?” He asks, in whispers to combat the volume Kaizo has already brought. 

“Are you kidding me?” 

“I’m _asking,_ what is it that I don’t understand?” There is no concept of personal space at this rate, and Ramen wants to ignore it. He’s right where he wants him, even if he doesn’t know it. 

He places a finger on his chin, and he can feel his skin turn to boiling point. 

“I… you just…” Kaizo is sputtering at this point, losing all sense of his initial bravado. Ramen knows if it doesn’t happen now it will never happen again. 

He closes his eyes and leans in, and the world stops for a while. 

This isn’t how he imagined how it would go. Not that Ramen had high expectations for a first-kiss situation to _actually_ be with Kaizo. He had left all that as fleeting fantasies, where he would allow Kaizo to build up a rom-com like tension of an expletive, passionate first kiss. Both reaching a breaking point and maybe a slam on the wall. Lips meeting in a hurried frenzy, bordering on the edge of violence. 

But even _this,_ being a now-or-never decision that took place in reality: was a lot nicer than the things he’d imagined. 

And Ramen is surprised Kaizo is kissing him back, and in spite of all his zealousness it’s being returned to him as shy, almost anxious even if his lips are telling him _I want you too._

When they finally break away, Ramen sees that the sparks have been extinguished before they turned into a bonfire, Kaizo’s hands on his waist and the muscles in his back harbouring no more tension. 

And he knows he was right for taking a chance. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can u believe they k worded . gay ppl real


	3. the boy you loved in spring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or; the one where Kaizo realises there's more that he wants and Ramen wants him to do better.

He didn’t think he wanted it to happen again. 

As a matter of fact Kaizo had absolutely no idea he had wanted to feel Ramen’s lips on his own up till they had suddenly been  _ doing just that.  _ He sat up in his bed, vigorously rubbing his own eyes even though he was perfectly awake. 

The dorm suddenly, a deep cave where his thoughts could bounce off and overwhelm him, especially with the way there were no windows. Only Fang’s orange lava lamp glowed on his end of the room, illuminating the post-it notes and band posters that were in its vicinity. He indulged himself a scoff. The dorm would always be temporary, and he didn’t see the point in decorating in any way. 

That wasn’t his intention. All he had wanted to tell him was how much he wanted to leave, how much the academy was wasting his potential at the rate he was going. How he was prepared to take off any day if he could. 

_ What is it that I don’t understand? _

Kaizo remembers losing himself completely, every inch of his body unbuckling and how he had somehow returned that kiss even though he had never kissed anyone in his life before. 

He feels his face grow hot, and he wants to bang his head against a pillow. Or anything, at this rate. This is stupid, he resolves. This is all stupid. Ramen is stupid. 

And it was stupid that Ramen was really the only person in the entire academy that really saw him as a  _ person  _ deep down. 

Kaizo had always known that. 

He had just never considered that he wanted it to be spoken into existence the way it had. 

  
  
  


******* 

  
  


He takes himself on an impulsive walk around the academy. It’s not one with sights to see, but Kaizo knows that if he’s going to leave it’d be a matter of showing himself out. He wasn’t going to opt for the loser’s move of being a runaway. For one, the security systems didn’t exist to fool around and the board would know instantly if he was going to make a run for it. 

Besides, he’d spent years in this godforsaken institution, he might as well get it done and over with. 

There was really nothing much to see. Despite being wide awake he has zero will to train his powers or sparring skills. 

He finds himself in the canteen, the rows and rows of tables and chairs accompanied by phantoms of students.

He had always sat at the table at the far left end of the space, away from everyone else. 

The mental image of Ramen walking up into his sad space after he had beaten up a trainee all those years ago, his smirk casting a light on his entire face. 

It didn’t help with that bright hair of his, Kaizo thought. His personality was just contagious. 

“Didn’t think you’d be up at this hour, o mighty space rebel.”

Kaizo blinked, and suddenly he was right in front of him - hovering over the table, with his own can in hand. He felt his face flush, and found that he had no answer for that statement. 

“This seat taken?” Ramen gestures with the can, tiny drops of liquid escaping with the way his grip wasn’t tight enough to prevent spillages. 

“No.” It’s supposed to come out defiant, but turns into something along the lines of meek. He doesn’t even know why he answers. Ramen likes asking rhetorical questions. He should know this by now. 

The blonde takes his seat, and a sip from what looked like a cheap soda brand he can’t recognise. 

“Tough night?” Ramen asks, in-between taking more swigs. 

“What do you mean?” 

“You’re never up this late. I am. So I can only assume you are having a tough night.” 

Ramen? Usually staying up? Why was that new information? “Um. I guess.” 

“Something on your mind?”  _ Nothing much. Just that I cannot stop thinking about how we kissed, and how much I want to do it again. How you suddenly feel like a different person in this light, and I am rethinking everything.  _

“Just thinking about my brother,” is what comes out instead, which makes Kaizo want to slap himself. 

An eyebrow raised, another swig of soda. “Aw. The legendary space rebel has a heart after all.” 

He winces. “Why do you keep calling me that?” 

“Dunno,” Ramen says, almost matter-of-factly, taking a peek into the can to see if there is any liquid he can salvage left. “Because you wanna break out of here so bad. Because you wanna be some hotshot captain so bad.” 

He feels his back go hot, though those are things he cannot deny. 

“He’s my brother. Of course I’d be worried,” he scoffs, taking his own swig of the isotonic. 

“What is it that you’re worried about, anyway?” 

“He’ll have to be on his own someday,” Kaizo states, like it wasn’t already obvious. “He’s just so… soft. He won’t make it with an attitude like that.” 

“Soft, huh?” Ramen whistles, now giving Kaizo all his attention with the can already finished. 

“Have you  _ seen  _ him? He’s only averaging around eighth in his class for theory, and he can’t spend five minutes against me in a practice spar.” He didn’t like that he was the one having to give Fang a lot of personal attention when it came to physical training. He definitely wasn’t the teacher type. 

“Because he’s like, what? Ten? And only started his training over a month ago?” 

“Yeah, so?” 

“My point is - you expect too much out of him already. Give him some time, he has potential.” 

“Time? How much time in the world do we have?” Kaizo spits, feeling a sourness he can’t explain. “I’m not going to be around to babysit him forever. He has to understand that.” 

“And how will he understand that, Kaizo?” Ramen’s face was suddenly stern, the mention of his name in a serious tone stinging a little. “Have you ever told him? That you want to utilise your skills beyond this academy?” 

“No, but -” 

“So how can you expect that from him?” Every question hits him like bricks, backing him into a corner and forcing him to ruminate before firing back. 

Kaizo clenches his fists, nails digging into his palms. He can only stare at the table, losing all face with things about his brother he had never really considered until now.

All of a sudden Ramen is by his side, and all he can do is continue staring. He doesn’t know what’s about to happen, and he braces. Just in case. 

Then he feels Ramen’s arms around his body, and he wants to drown.

“What are you doing,” he spits, losing all ability to properly respond. 

“Oh, sorry. This is what we call ‘a hug’. I figured you needed one,” Ramen says, though in an offhand tone there is sincerity laced in every word, which pierces through Kaizo’s chest even more than it should. 

His body doesn’t belong to him now. There is a spirit possessing him as he finds himself clutching onto Ramen’s arm, resisting the urge to feel his chest on his and just the  _ want  _ of it all. 

“Come here, you dumbass,” Ramen scoffs, and he finds himself properly enveloped in an embrace. The kind where he was being squeezed tightly, his own arms making their way on the blonde’s back and sides. 

The kind where he just felt  _ safe,  _ for the first time in a long long time. He closes his eyes and breathes the scent of him in, smelling vaguely like detergent and deodorant. Neither distinguishable scents, but it almost comforts him. 

“I want to kiss you again.” 

“Good. Me too.” 

Kaizo didn’t expect himself to be that direct with  _ that  _ particular want of his, but immediately forgets it all when it happens because there are no surprises. He lets Ramen bring his face to his, his hands on his jaw and their lips meeting with zero hesitation. 

(He feels almost thankful he drank something before this. Kissing felt a hell lot nicer when his lips weren’t so dry and he wasn’t so angry.) 

It was all so stupid. Almost surreal how much this was something he hadn’t realised he wanted, Ramen kissing him with his hands on the back of his hair. Everything on the inside melts away with each second that goes by and Kaizo realises he could do this forever if he could. 

More importantly Ramen kissing him back, parting his lips and the warmth of him washing him over to purposely drown him. How all of this was so hypnotic beyond reason, and how he was willing to resign himself to that. 

When they finally break away they’re both out of breath, and he finds himself smiling along with the blonde.  _ Absolutely absurd.  _

Ramen suddenly engulfs him in another hug, which takes him by surprise just a little. 

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” he whispers. “Or your brother, for that matter. You are both capable.” 

Kaizo can’t resist a  _ tch.  _ “Right.” 

“Now  _ I’m _ serious.” His arms are beginning to wrap around him a little tighter. “I know you could be a captain if you wanted to. But you shouldn’t undermine your brother either. You should talk to him.” 

He doesn’t know what to say. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about Fang - rather, it was difficult to earnestly show him that he cared. The part of him that understood his family was lost in the war, and he chose not to look for it. 

“Just try, okay?” They’re finally in separate sets of their own, and he lets Ramen push the hair out of his eyes. “Your brother seems to really look up to you. You owe him that much.” 

“Okay.” Because that’s all he can say right now - totally not distracted by his face at all. 

Ramen chuckles, and sighs. “You’re not listening.” 

“I am. I literally just agreed with you.” 

“To what?” 

“I’ll talk to my brother. I’ll try. Whatever.” 

“God. The legendary space rebel is hopeless.” For unspoken reasons Ramen places his lips on his forehead, letting himself ruffle his hair just a little. 

Kaizo lets himself onto his chest, ignoring the insult. Dreams of being a captain suddenly far away, the moment being more important than what was to come. 

For now, this is all he wants. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO WE HAVE [ART](https://twitter.com/floffybunbutt/status/1283279696369606656?s=20) DRAWN BY [MY LOVELY FRIEND VAN](https://twitter.com/floffybunbutt) PLEASE CHECK THEIR ART OUT I'M NEVER GOING TO BE OVER THIS


	4. and i know i've kissed you before, but can i try again?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or; the one where Ramen holds himself back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to Enhance Your Reading Experience here is a [ ship playlist of songs i listened to that remind me of them. ur welcome ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6c6lVlLCA4x6xiEOo7Ym4P?si=cMtQOXL-Q5mu35tNIkekdg)

He doesn’t know if he wants to say goodbye to him.

Because saying goodbye just felt definitive, saying goodbye meant setting the circumstance in concrete.

But as it were with reality, you rarely got to choose what could happen. Things just sort of arrived and you’d be forced to confront them no matter how beat up you were. He understood that a little too well.

The days leading up to graduation had been a rather sombre period. Kaizo had always been a rather solitary person (though as the years went by he proved terrific at managing squads, even if that required a great deal of intimidation from his subordinates) but seemed more adamant about binding himself to that term. The week leading up to his departure was spent apart, with a refusal to communicate with him in the slightest of behaviours. 

Ramen had resorted to extorting information from his brother, a rather sprightly thing in comparison to the would-be captain. 

“How is he?” He asked, cornering him as he was heading out from a training session.

Fang shrugged. “I don’t know.” 

“Does he talk to you? Or eat anything?” 

The younger boy had sighed, like he wished he knew the answers himself. “Oh, he eats alright. But he won’t really talk to me nowadays, not even to make fun of me.” 

“I see.” 

He didn’t keep the younger boy for too long, as he had another class to attend to right after. He’s progressing rather quickly, Ramen thought as he watched him disappear into the halls. What with the behind-the-scenes talk from the superiors of his capabilities. There were rumours of an Earth infiltration mission that TAPOPS was willing to work with the Academy for, and that he was a potential candidate. 

Both brothers with a bright future ahead, he couldn’t help but think. If only his own course of life would have been as definitive. 

But it’s too late to worry about that now. The years have come and gone and all he can do is make sure he can muster another step toward. 

So when Ramen finds himself standing in the ship runway fully facing Kaizo as he witnesses him hesitating to go into the ship - he knows there’s really only so much he could do right now. 

There’s a small crowd of people that have gathered by the ship. All his classmates, including the one he had given the black eye to (no grudges, he’d confirmed. He took partial responsibility for antagonising him anyway). Even Maskmana, who Ramen could vouch was smiling behind the metal that gave him anonymity. 

And he has a right to be, he thinks. Who wouldn’t be proud of him, from picking himself up as a refugee of war on his road to contribute great things to the galaxy? 

A small crowd is still a crowd. If anything Ramen would have been less surprised if Kaizo chose to pretend he didn’t exist, like he could acknowledge everyone that showed up as a blanket statement. But as if by chance Kaizo’s eyes have found his. 

The crimson eyes that could hold fire, now meeting his own with an empty earnest. Like logs in a fireplace, abandoned. And they’re not looking away yet. 

He wades his way through, and no one makes an attempt to stop him. 

This is it, Ramen thinks. It felt like he was meeting him for the first time, even though there was a higher chance this could be their last. 

“Hey,” he says. 

“Hey,” is what is repeated from the graduate, his face now downcast and his fringe properly getting in the way of his eyes. 

“I never got to congratulate you.”  _ It’s quite funny,  _ he thought, _ how all the words just seem to disappear the exact moment you desperately need them.  _

“That’s okay.” 

“Seriously, congratulations. You’re getting out there, like you always wanted.” 

“Yeah.” 

The tension is unbearable, and Ramen is aware of how many people are witnessing this. He can hear every shuffle made, a cough to fill the silence. Murmurs articulating their unease. It was a lie if he wasn’t feeling shreds of regret. Perhaps it would have been a less painful decision not to do this. 

Kaizo himself was being apprehensive, with the way he suddenly couldn’t meet his eyes when he was up close. It’s almost insufferable. 

The Ramen yesterday would have ran up to him. 

The Ramen yesterday would have ran up to him, held him tight and would whisper everything.  _ Everything  _ that needed to be said just for him to hear. That he would miss him, and despite everything he was the best chance he’d ever taken on. That even this, made him happy in it’s own wretched right because Kaizo was finally being able to live up to his purpose and potential. 

Even if that entailed not being in his life anymore. 

But the Ramen today just couldn’t. His feet planted to the ground, his tongue caught in his throat. 

“Well, uh. I have to go now.” Kaizo finally breaks the silence, and he takes a step backward into the ship. A step away to going gone. 

“Right.” 

“Goodbye, Ramen.” 

_ Good luck. I hope you’ll have a full life ahead of you. That you can find family somewhere. That you’re allowed to be happy.  _

“Goodbye, Kaizo.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO WE HAVE [ MORE ART ](https://twitter.com/floffybunbutt/status/1284440420563341313?s=20) BC MY FRIENDS ARE SO TALENTED FUCK OFF!!!!!!!! please [ support and check their work out thank you](https://twitter.com/floffybunbutt)


	5. but as it is, and it is.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or; the present, and the one where Kaizo finds himself back in the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a heads up, the info about ramen isn’t canon. we barely know literally anything about him in bbbg and i thought what the heck lol *sprinkles some chara development* as i was writing this lmao. hope this doesn’t confuse anyone!!
> 
> also, trigger warning for some slight self-destructive/self-harming? thoughts.

He doesn’t expect to be back where he started, on the roof of the academy that gave him shelter in his formative years. 

He also never expected to see _him_ again, let alone in the midst of a battle that had caused a considerable amount of damages to the TAPOPS space station. 

Kaizo doesn’t know what he feels about it. Everything felt uncomfortable, the sight of him like a chill in the air. The years spent apart a wall in-between them, with nothing he can really say. He doesn’t like that Ramen still wore the same smirk on his face, unwavering and confident when he was around the TAPOPS crew. 

He also doesn’t like that the smirk also extended to him, flashing at him like a deer caught in the headlights. How that smirk was still kind, and still as genuine and mischievous as ever. 

  
  


Kaizo had changed since leaving. He is accepting this as he sits alone on the roof, once again obeying direct instruction that could have got him expelled as a teenager. As it turns out there isn’t much to do when it came to waiting for the universe’s saviour to wake from an indefinite coma. 

His mind begins to wander, as it usually did when he got the chance to be alone. He had seen things, and even did things that stung on the inside with full knowledge that it was an occupational hazard. There were things that were beyond him to save. 

He knew he definitely wasn’t the hero he had set out to be. Far from it. The name ‘captain’ was just another weapon. 

“There he _is!_ The legendary space rebel!” 

An all too familiar voice interrupts his thoughts, and he feels his back grow hot at the mention of the old nickname that wasn’t _just_ an old nickname anymore. How the galaxy adopted that name for him was pure coincidence, or so he hopes. 

Kaizo lets himself turn around, and it’s him. _Him,_ in all his blonde-haired and playful smiles galore. He can’t even say his name, like saying it would be emitting a prayer he didn’t realise he was making.

As Ramen sets himself beside him he also begins to realise that even he had changed too. Evidence of the years that had gone by showed in his physique, his shoulders more broad and arms significantly toned. He had let his hair grow out, the curly fringe missing. 

Overall… he just didn’t look like the boy he knew. 

“Whatcha doing up here?” He asks, though Kaizo detects a hint of a little more jaunty than usual. 

“None of your business.” 

“It’s my establishment, so yes, it is sort of my business.” That response takes him off-guard, completely news to him. 

“Your…?” 

“Oh, I suppose being captain means you’re too busy for gossip to get to you. You’re forgiven, don’t worry.” Ramen is snickering, clearly enjoying laying it on him. Kaizo can only feel his cheeks flush, words refusing to save him from his ignorance. 

“Anyways,” the blonde starts, “after we graduated I sort of got into the limbo of training new recruits. I did it for fun at first, helping out kids after class and things like that. Because unlike you I didn’t have much plans after graduation. But I guess the board liked what they saw, you know?” 

_Unlike you._ Bang. _Didn’t have much plans._ Bang, bang. These are all new revelations that he’s years late in catching on. 

“So they enlisted me, as a staff member. As it turns out I really like teaching, and I did that for a couple of years.” 

_Say something. Congratulate him._ “Wow.” 

“I know, right? _Wow!_ ” Kaizo knows Ramen is mocking him. Laughing at his own jokes as he used to do - cheeks going red and shoulders shaking uncontrollably like he’s just discovered comedy. 

He hadn’t realised how deep that facade could have gone, and how long he thought he could keep it up. 

Ramen takes a breath, calming himself down. “Anyhoo. Taught for a couple of years, the board suddenly became interested in having me on in the…” He trails off, scrunching his face to find the right words. “AH! The more practical side, one would say.” 

“You mean they let you out in the field?” Kaizo feels his lips soften into what felt like a small smile. There’s a gentle feeling settling in his chest, and for once he lets himself _feel_ it. 

Like he’s... proud of him. 

“Yup. I’m working alongside the people you hate. Obviously I'm not as accomplished as you though.” This time Ramen’s smirk has slowly started to wane away, like he had regretted that sentence. 

“Come on. I mean, that’s not true.” 

“Oh, but is,” he sighs, and diverts his gaze to the vastness of the galaxy before them. Nothing much has changed about the view - speeding ships buzzing by, like a busy traffic that never stopped. The sky is a yellow settling into the orange of the sunset, eager to ease itself into night. 

“I’m no captain… _yet._ If I’ll ever be. I don’t know. But for now I’m just me.” The smirk comes back, and for a moment the world feels like it’s back to normal. 

There’s an ache in his chest, because as per usual Kaizo doesn’t know what to say. The words didn’t always fail him. In simple terms, perhaps he just… sucked at being a good person. 

Maybe that’s why there was also guilt. In the years they had spent together he hadn’t realised just how much Ramen had been hurting. His own trauma had been bigger than the universe itself, and he had fallen into it. 

He clenches his fists, and lets his nails dig into his flesh. There is a sharp pain jabbing into his skin, given he can’t honestly remember when was the last time he had cut his nails. Maybe if he could hurt himself just a little, even if that’ll never compensate with how much Ramen had hidden all those years… 

Suddenly he feels his hand being lifted, and a pair of lips grazes his palm. 

Kaizo looks at Ramen, his lip trembling. Though there were two red spots on his cheek. “You know,” he whispers, “you don’t have to say anything if you can’t. I never expected you to.” 

_But I want to!_ He wants to scream, despising the way his mouth refused to move. _I’ve been doing absolutely wrong by you all this fucking time!_

“I’m sorry. I’m a dick,” was what slipped out. Ramen’s eyes widen in surprise. 

“You’re not,” he chuckles, gripping his hand into his. And he’s not even mad about it. “Okay, maybe a little.” 

“Message received.” 

“Nah. You _are_ a dick. I’m actually kind of glad you finally realised it.” He’s laughing again, the light in his eyes flickering like a newly lit candle. 

This time Kaizo lets himself smile, or what feels like a smile. He can’t really tell the difference, if he was being honest. 

“But there is a way you can make it up to me,” Ramen suddenly announces, and the ice has broken to dissolve into mischief. 

“Sure.” And who was he to deny? A small favor to subside years of debt? 

All of a sudden Kaizo is being hoisted up without his will, and there is no more space between them. Ramen’s right hand on his waist, and his left in his hand. For a moment there is a stillness, and Kaizo finds himself lifting his own chin, closing his eyes…. 

“We _dance!”_

What Kaizo doesn’t expect is to be moving, his feet fumbling to keep up with Ramen’s. The blonde still has his hands on him, with full intent of taking the lead. He seemed - no he _is_ , extremely pleased with himself, the cunning bastard. “But there’s no music!” Kaizo sputters, awkwardly making backward steps to combat Ramen going forward. 

“You can pretend!” He exclaims, taking a little too much pleasure in his present suffering. “Or sing your favorites. You can do that, right?” 

Despite that being the suggestion it is Ramen that begins singing, a rather vivacious tune he had never heard before. " _Slow down, you crazy child!_ _”_ He declares, and he knows there is no point of return now. 

_You’re so ambitious, for a juvenile…_

Kaizo realises there is nothing he can do to get out of this, allowing Ramen to _literally_ sweep him off his feet. How embarrassing _._

_But then if you’re so smart, then tell me why are you still so afraid?_

Startlingly enough, it gets easier after following his rhythm. He can’t help but remember his mother with the way Ramen moved and sang, how she used to dance around with his dad. _Five six seven eight, five six seven eight._ His feet make fervent attempts to put that into practice, and soon he finds himself in a waltz of sorts, freeing their bodies into the movements they both made. Like it was something they did everyday. 

He remembered the times his parents had lost themselves to the music, and how he would accidentally walk in on them floating in their own bubble. As if it were only two of them that reigned the world, and no one would dare question it. 

Maybe this was a taste of what that felt like. 

When they stop, Kaizo finds himself on the floor they danced on, absolutely spent. Ramen joins him, though he didn’t seem _as_ exhausted. 

“I didn’t know,” Kaizo sputters, “dancing was so tiring.” 

Ramen allows a rough brush on his nose, chuckling. “That’s because you’re no fun.” 

Kaizo shoves the blonde in return, though it is barely a rub off his arm. “Shut the fuck up.”

He’s lost in his eyes again, suddenly extremely aware of how distance wasn’t in the equation anymore. _I’ve missed this,_ he thinks. Ramen may have changed, as did he - but even after all these years there was no denying that he was still beautiful. 

There’s a chance he might regret this. 

But this time Kaizo wants to take it. 

_I’ve missed you._

He lets his tired fingers brush against Ramen’s dry lips, and he swallows what feels like _absolute want_ going down his throat. 

“Can I kiss you?” It’s Ramen who asks, and thank _fuck_ it is. All he does is close the gap, and for the first time in years their lips are meeting once more. 

There were things about this that stayed the same. The reciprocal desire, his hands on his hair and how he could care less about it being it being a mess. The zero hesitation. How a simple _can I_ or _I want to_ could mean the world. 

But now there’s a new explosiveness that lights up somewhere when they meet like this, and he knows he wants to bask in this fire forever.

And it’s so _stupid._ How wonderfully fitting his lips seemed to receive Ramen’s, like it was made just for him. The sharp intakes of breath that Ramen made when they broke away for even a fraction of a second, that made him want just more and more of it and never look back. 

When they break away - for real, this time - Kaizo’s chest is heaving, trying to regain the air he had lost to him. His eyes flicker to Ramen’s lips, and they are still etched in a grin. 

“Goddamn,” Kaizo practically gasps, “what does it take for you to _not_ have that on your face?” 

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Have what?” 

“You’re always… smiling.” 

“And that’s a bad thing?” 

“I didn’t say _that_ …” 

“If I smile too much, you’re the one just not doing it enough.” 

Kaizo can’t help but uncharacteristically pout. “I smile plenty.” 

“Yeah, right,” the blonde snorts. “I haven’t seen you smile at another person ever since… well. You just don’t smile if it’s not about kicking someone’s ass.” 

This time he chuckles, because there was truth in that. 

But he can’t help but _look_ at him, and suddenly there’s just so much more he wants to say right now. That he had regretted ever saying goodbye to him like that. That he owed him so much more than what he could ever offer him. 

Ramen was too good for him. And Kaizo knows this. 

He sits up, realising what they’d just done. _You can’t keep hurting him._

“I… I’m sorry. I have to go now.” 

“Oh? Sure. Where?” 

“I just need to look for something.” 

The blonde only smiles in oblivion, and it makes his chest lurch. “Come back when you can. I could gather a lunch date with the rest of them, if you want. If the boy hasn’t woken up yet.” 

“Sure.” _Just get up, and be cool about it. Don’t turn back._

_It won’t happen again. I promise._

“And Kaizo?” 

He freezes, and braces himself for the impact. 

“I missed you.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anyone's interested: the song ramen is singing is vienna, by billy joel and sung by ben platt :)


	6. put your arms around me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or; the “it’s complicated” in-betweens of the past.

Kaizo often remembers the first time they fought. A  _ real  _ fight, not the kind he was accustomed to on the job. The one that involved complicated feelings, differing opinions, stubbornness, angst. 

Words being of significance, and the primary weapon. 

The details are hazy, given the time spent away from that memory. Kaizo’s sure he was the one who started it. Not that Ramen was completely innocent - he had his own ways of pissing people off whether it was intentional or not. 

“You’re not in love with me,” he had spat, in some sort of heat of the moment that his tongue was running with. It was only in these situations that Kaizo often forgot to use his head.“You’re just in love with... what I need. All I do is give you something to toy with.” 

He can’t remember why he said that. Perhaps it was the disarray of youth, how coping with each day sometimes seemed to spiral more and more out of control. The label of a casualty, never knowing how to pick up his own pieces properly. Openly wanting to be with Ramen at the time felt daunting, even more so than all the times he had gone off on missions with a good chance he wouldn’t make it back. 

Ramen rarely lost composure. He was always the cool one, the one who rarely let his darker sides show. But he remembered the way he had frowned, his face crumpling and his entire body stiffening. 

“Who said anything about love?” Ramen said, fists tightening. “I said ‘really, really like.’”


	7. i can sense you doubt me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or; the one where it gets a little hard sometimes.

_Kaizo,_

_You are not a play-thing. Far from that, as a matter of fact. I promise that you are a whole, living being, even if it might not feel that way sometimes. To you, or to me. I’m sorry that I made you feel that way._

_I’m writing this, because I know you don’t enjoy talking once you flare up. It’s not easy for me, because I would so much rather talk to you than endure this. But I understand now. It’s not always about my feelings. This is about you just as it might be about me. Or not! Maybe I’m just humoring myself._

_I’m in shambles, really. You might enjoy the view once you’re okay with me again. Yet all I can do is laugh about it._

_I’ll be honest: you_ _are_ _a handful. There’s so much about you I have yet to understand, I will admit that wholeheartedly._

_But if it’s anything I can clarify - I’m not with you because of your needs. Perhaps I would have answered differently, back when we first met. But that’s not true. No one should ever have to tolerate anyone out of sheer pity. That’s just being charitable at best. I can’t fix you, nor do I want to._

_I’m sorry about what I said earlier, and for ever making you feel the way that you did._

_When you feel better you can talk to me. I want to fix this, because I want you in my life. Not because I have a cause, not because you give me a renewed sense of purpose. None of it._

_Really… it’s you that I want. Just you._

_\- R_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not entirely satisfied with these but ehh,,, i really wanted to post so lawl


	8. can i go where you go?

The memory often comes back to him like a light storm, drizzling on his parade. Kaizo is thinking about this as he reaches the TEMPUR-A ship runway, where he had bid Ramen goodbye in ways that broke them both. 

The runway is lined with various vessels - some models he could recognise, some foreign. Literally speaking Kaizo had never really experienced what rain felt like - but approaching runways often felt that way. An immediate overcast, a gray washing over the sky. 

He knows he can’t actually leave. It’s almost pathetic, given that decision seemed to be the best viable option. Other than the fact that the aftermath of the battle with Vargoba had left TAPOPS in shambles - and consequently no gigs for everyone else. Everyone was waiting for Boboiboy and the Admiral to wake up, given it seemed the appropriate thing to do after they had almost lost their lives trying to protect everyone. 

Besides, Pang just… happened to be there too. 

All he can really do is stand there, like somehow a ship would open itself up and beckon him to go. For the first time in years, his instincts are failing him and his guts have disappeared. Right now Kaizo is really just existing, in the midst of time, space and matter. He takes a breath, and heaves a longer one out. 

His blood is still flowing, his heart rate slowly going down as he takes a moment to make sure he’s still alive. 

“Have you found what you were looking for?” 

He can’t even turn around, because it’s deliriously stupid how hearing his voice forced him to understand what happiness felt like. And he _shouldn’t_ turn around, given all he did was hurt him. 

Turning around to face him would just mean more misery for everyone else. 

“Yeah,” he says, smiling to himself. “I found him.” And yet he can’t help but admit that. _What a sore and weak loser you are, Kaizo._

A whistle, a slight shuffle of feet. “Oh yeah?”

“Yep.” 

“Well, okay then. So I suppose you’re leaving then.” 

For whatever reason his body betrays him, and he has to face him. “No… it’s not like that.” 

He lets out a _pft,_ though it comes out of his mouth clumsily and it almost sounded like he was blowing a bubble. “So why are you standing here once more - if not for the intent of running?” 

“Stop talking like that. It pisses me off.” 

“I’ll stop talking like that if you answer the question.” 

He doesn’t know if he wants to answer, or if he even has one. 

“Why are you trying to run away again?” 

“I wasn’t trying to.” 

“So where are you planning to go? If you could leave, hypothetically. I know you can’t actually leave yet.” 

This man was really going to be the death of him. But he knows if Ramen doesn’t get an answer there was absolutely no way he was going to get out of this alive. 

“I want to go back _home,”_ is what gets out instead. 

Home. 

  
  
  
  
  


Home. 

A simple word, yet so complex in meaning. Was it always about finding a place to sleep? Somewhere you belonged, at least for the night? 

Even after all these years had gone by there was still the glint in his eye that he recognised, even if it seemed like his eyes were hollow. 

That it would just hurt more, if he wanted to run away again. 

He reaches out, a hand on the captain’s shoulder. “I understand,” he says. 

That’s when he feels a lone tear drip down his face. 

Then another, and another.

This time Ramen’s smile has truly faded, because right now he _understands_. He understands that he didn’t always have to put up a front in front of him. He understands there was never a need to. 

“Ramen….” Kaizo is looking at him. It’s pity, it’s sadness, it’s longing. It’s everything right now, and he knows that if he lets him slip away neither of them would ever know what home would feel like for the rest of their lives. 

A hand on the shoulder evolves to both arms around the captain, and this time he holds on as tightly as he can. He is trembling, the years of loneliness catching up to him the very moment he had asked him if he could kiss him again. 

“I don’t know where you’ll find yours,” he whispers, every word emitted taking copious amounts of strength. “But you’ve always felt like home to me.” 

_When had he fallen so deep into love?_ That specific moment in time had probably been lost somewhere, while they were younger and everything had been simpler. But there wasn’t a single point in trying to recover those times anymore. They were gone with the wind, and it takes all his willpower to resist the urge to scream _I’m here, I’m here, I’m here!_

_Do you understand? That I’m real, and that I’m_ here? 

“I don’t want to go,” Kaizo says, his usually firm voice subdued and _sincere,_ like he knew he only wanted Ramen to bear that truth. 

“Then stay.” 

He felt Kaizo inhale, his torso rising in and slowly giving out as he exhaled out air again. 

“Okay.” 

  
  



	9. can we get up and try to be OK again?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or; the one where Kaizo and Ramen are allowed to feel again.

A few days passed, and Boboiboy had finally woken up. 

For someone who had caused irrevocable damage to an entire space station, he had been easily fooled by Pang and another one of his friends. Kaizo had to admit he didn’t bother remembering the names of his younger brother’s friends. Sometimes he genuinely wondered what Pang saw in his friends, but nonetheless it wasn’t his business to remark on his social life. 

Everyone was gathered in the little ward that kept Boboiboy and the Admiral resting and safe. Kaizo had to admit - whatever that happened between him and Ramen made it easier to breathe. He was still grinning away, as if he hadn’t gripped onto him for dear life and really _cried,_ a true moment of vulnerability that Kaizo had never ever experienced from him. 

If anything, he was beginning to realise it had always been quite the opposite.

So when Ramen offers him his hand - palm outstretched, the gaps in-between his fingers suddenly looking like an incomplete puzzle. Kaizo finds himself taking it, as soon as the ward door behind them is closed and shut. 

A moment passes, or two. Or three. Kaizo realises he doesn’t really want to keep track of the moments passing by. In the moments that precede them as they get farther and farther away from everyone else, in the vastness of the galaxy that is just in a moment’s reach: there are only the two of them. 

They just walk for a while, hand-in-hand. For once neither of them were planning what to say or do. They had spent most of their lives doing the opposite, constantly on the run from something. For now, all they could do was just _be._

And that in itself was wonderful. 

“How are you feeling today?” Ramen asks, breaking the ice from the peaceful atmosphere. 

How long had it been since anyone had asked him that question? Kaizo wondered, as his mind wafted to find an answer. He feels his chest rate in his ears, neither rising or plummeting. 

“I don’t know,” he finally says, and Kaizo lets himself look at him again. There didn’t seem to be… anything in his eyes, and it is strange to not be able to read him for once. 

“The boy’s finally awake,” the captain tries, a sorry attempt at conversation. 

“Ah. He is, he is.” 

“He’s quite the marvel.” 

“An understatement. A little bonkers, but a marvel.” 

“Who knew a kid could be capable of all that.” 

Ramen raised an eyebrow, and gave his shoulder a playful shove. “You were once that kid.” 

Kaizo scoffs. “I wasn’t. I was fairly ordinary.” 

The blonde lets out an enormous snort, though Kaizo felt he hadn’t said anything funny. 

“You were _not!_ God, you are such a blockhead.” 

“But I was!” The captain insisted. 

“Yes, like beating up a poor fellow student in his first week in school is normal. Embrace it. You are far removed from normalcy, my friend.”

Kaizo cringed. “Well, okay. Sorry I was apparently not a normal kid.” 

This time Ramen laughs, and sets himself down onto the floor - taking him down with him, for their hands were still intertwined with the other. He realises this is the honest first time in a while that their bodies are in such proximity with the other. Ramen’s breathing is calm and steady, a heart that had yet to be filled with unease to pump faster. His chest feels warm, and suddenly Kaizo is filled with just more _want_ yet again. 

It’s suffocating. And yet he wants to revel in it for the rest of his life. 

They have another one of those moments, which seem to be a recurring theme for today: just _being,_ where they don’t really feel the need to say too much. Only Ramen has allowed himself to run his fingers through his hair, though it is coarse and his fingers unlock a split end every now and then. 

Kaizo is careful, but he lets himself too. He lets himself breathe onto his chest, listening to the instrument that allowed his beloved the privilege of life. 

“What are you thinking about?” Ramen asks, though this time he can tell there is a burning curiosity in the blonde’s voice. 

_Why are we here?_ Kaizo wants to say. _Where is home?_

_And why do you find that in me?_

“I don’t know,” the captain echoes, all those thoughts amounting to no coherent nor audible sentences.

“Hey. Am I talking to Kaizo, or are you a little parrot in disguise?” Ramen teases, ruffling his hair a little more and making it a mess. “Seems like you don’t know quite a lot of things today.” 

“I just…” He wants to say something. He wants to be able to bring it out into the world, spit it out. 

But it’s just so _goddamned_ hard. 

That’s when his crimson eyes start to water, and fat tears are rolling down his face. He immediately wipes them away, but they don’t stop. And they aren’t planning to any time soon, with the lumps in his throat verging to take him in a chokehold. He feels the mucus seep out his nose, and he’s sniffling loudly. 

Ramen’s blue eyes are suddenly in view, with a face filled to the brim with shock. “Oh no. Did I say something? You’re crying. _Oh_.” 

He makes a fervent attempt to shake his head, with hopes it would somehow tell him it wasn’t entirely because of Ramen. But the tears are flowing freely for the first time in years, and he feels like a child again.

And then the blonde holds him, gently. Bringing his entire face to his chest, where Kaizo finds himself utterly sobbing into. His fingers, gripping his back and making grooves into delicate skin. 

“I just don’t know how you love me,” he gasps, in-between the tears and phlegm.

He feels a pair of warm lips press right above his head, amidst the rough hair. 

“I just do,” Ramen whispers, holding him even closer. “Is that so wrong?” 

“I have a lot of blood on my hands. Believe me, that’s... not a burden you should have to carry.” 

“I don’t care,” the blonde says, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “You are not a burden.” 

The crying doesn’t cease, but there is a lift somewhere in his spirit. It is by no means a large one, but it is there. 

“But Kaizo… I only have one thing to ask of you.” 

He doesn’t answer, so the blonde continues. 

“Do not be a prisoner to your past. The past makes us, but it will never define you completely.” 

Kaizo had ignored his past for the most part. But maybe that was it. The ignorance had been the thing that had kept him shackles, and in some ways deterred him from really moving forward. 

Was it finally time? 

“I’ll try,” he manages, in a muted tone. But he is heard, and though he is buried in his chest with the way his heart rate shifted Kaizo knew there was a smile on Ramen’s face. 

_I don’t know where you’ll find yours, but you’ve always felt like home to me._

He had wondered what Ramen had meant by that. Kaizo didn’t understand it the moment it had been said to him. But now, in his arms, and a resolve to move forward. For himself, and for the both of them - Kaizo was genuinely beginning to see it. 

This is what safety felt like. 

More importantly, this is what home felt like. 

“I don’t know how I love you,” Ramen admitted, his hands running up his back. Cold to the touch, almost dainty strokes like he was being careful. “But the fact is - that I do. Is that okay?” This time he is a little hesitant, as if he were worried. 

Because it isn’t shallow. It had never been. Ramen had always loved him, a love that ran deep, a serene river that one had to venture to find it’s ending point. And even then it flowed past the rocks, offering life and sustenance to its surroundings. 

And by extension - to him. And that would never change, no matter how far apart they would be from each other. 

“Yes,” Kaizo says.

Because it really is enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thought a little longer and harder to give these two a Good means of conclusion (despite the fact that i set out with no plot, haha), hence why this came at such a late notice. i hope its done justice for you!! thank you for reading n rest assured i have more of these two up my sleeve ;^)))))


End file.
